I Am Who I Am

I don't hold back.
If I think something is ridiculous I will tell you.
I can be a flake.
I have a horrible memory and get caught up in things.
I'm not spontaneous/flexible.
I can't just pack a bag and leave town on a whim.
I'm horrible at returning calls.
I hate leaving messages.
I plan everything... weeks, months in advance.
I'm not an outwardly emotional person.
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.
I'm horrible at being empathetic.
I don't take compliments very well.
Sometimes, I forget to say thank you.

These are things my friends know, understand, and they are still my friends regardless.
Are they flaws? Yes. Do they bother me? No
I'm happy with who I am and I don't try to change myself.

I don't dye my hair every 2 weeks.
I love that I'm a brunette... even with the grey hairs.
I never spend 2 hours putting on make-up.
Some days foundation and mascara are perfect.
I don't go out making changes to my body because I'm depressed with life.

Life is hard. As a military wife I've learned that you cry, then you suck it up and go.
There isn't time for me to dwell on how lonely it is.
My husband is gone. My daughter is gone. This pregnancy is ROUGH.
But I make it through day to day.
I may have random bouts of crying, but who doesn't? It's healthy.

In the end, I keep going.
I am who I am, and I will never change.
I don't believe that people change.
I believe they either grow up, or they don't.

If you can't accept me for who I am, that's ok...
But don't criticize me to your friends and try to tear me down.
Don't continue to expect me to change,
You have the wrong person.

Birthday Approaching!

So Morghan's 4th birthday is 2 months away and for most it is crazy for me to begin planning. However, that is just who I am! This year we are going to be in Texas around the time of her birthday so we really want to do a birthday party while we are home. This is proving more difficult than I imagined!

We did her first bithday at a park... where it began raining! So I'm trying to avoid the park. Family gets a little complicated because I have such a large family vs. Chases. Something along the lines of 50 to 16. At the same time I'd love to have a party where we can invite our friends who all have children around Morghan's age to join. I suppose the issue is finding a little kid friendly place that is not too childish for the adults to enjoy themselves as well.

I don't want to have to do seperate parties but I'm beginning to feel as though I may need to. My first thought was 3 parties lol. Chase's family, my family, and one for friends. Chase quickly vetoed this option due to cost and time constraints. This would all be so much easier if we actually lived in Texas because then we could just invite everyone over to the house! HA!

The more I dwell on it the more I begin to realize that I may just end up at a park with a jump house for the kids and shade for the adults!

Atleast I know one thing for sure. We found this adorable play kitchen that we are going to get for Morghan. We already knew we didn't want a cheap looking plastic kitchen and this one is solid wood. I know she will love it and we have the perfect spot by the real kitchen to put it for her.

Is it over yet?

So Thursday I got my new medication and Chase and I headed out of town. Not too far, just down to Jacksonville for a couple nights. I had a great time and my medicine seemed to be working. I went 24 hours without being sick and then by Saturday it had returned and it was relentless. I had to work on Sunday even through all my protesting and being told I could go early. That did not happen! I worked 13 hours straight and the only break was when my supervisor ordered pizza for everyone. I sat down and had some water and the crust off a piece of pizza. I knew better than to eat the pizza... 1. Anything real greasy makes me sick. 2. I hadn't kept down dinner Saturday night or breakfast that morning. I finally got off and we sat out and watched fireworks. I held my own until we got home.
I tossed and turned all night and by 4am I was in hell so to speak. I hurt from head to toe, literally. My hair on my head hurt I was in so much pain. I was able to take some Tylenol and finally sleep until around 9... but I stayed in bed. For hours I tried to keep down liquid but I couldn't. Within 15 minutes I was running to the sink. By noon I could barely keep my eyes open long enough for Chase to even talk to me. I didn't want to move, I didn't have the strength to move. He raced me to the ER where we found people who had been there 4 &5 hours in the waiting room. For an average ER this might be normal, but not at the Naval Hospital. I was worried that something bad might happen before then. Triage nurse took my vitals and after taking my blood pressure 3 times she rushed me back to bed... but not before I threw up again.
Immediately I was hooked up to and IV for fluids and they started me on yet another new medication called Reglan (sp?). This turned out to be a bad thing as I was about as useful as a person doped up on morphine and as crazy as one too! They stopped that and pushed more fluids and ran a higher dose of the Zofran I was already on. The only issue was that before the 8 hours was up I needed more because I started getting sick again. It took 2 bags of fluids before I even had the urge to use the bathroom and even then it was pretty pathetic. Once I went an additional 4 hours without being sick I was released to go home.
So far I've just been incredibly queasy but have yet to be sick **knock on wood** I decided to take off tomorrow and stay at home to relax an extra day. Hopefully I feel better soon and don't end up back in the ER. My arm hurts just thinking about that wretched IV....

Heave...! Ho...!

I will try to simplify this....

I have been insanely sick the past week. As of 10pm last night I hadn't kept ANYTHING down and was being threatened hospital admittance by my Dr if I couldn't stop throwing up.

Yesterday I was supposed to pick up new meds to make me stop throwing up since I didn't want to end up in the ER only the retarded Doc forgot to put in the script!

This leads to a night of absolute misery because one of my glands is so irritated and swollen that I couldn't swallow, turn my head, much less open my mouth to talk. I tossed and turned all night in misery and this morning my body does the very first thing it does every morning. Its ready to expel the nothing that occupies my stomach. With my gland still painful this became absolutely excruciating as my body made every attempt possible to heave and wretch.

Still trying to avoid the ER I find out the Dr has now put in my new meds so I'm really praying this medication works. I have managed to hold down about 6 oz of water so far so that is AWESOME! Its not very much but its more than I've kept down in days!

Who knew?

She does! And so does family until now. We wanted to wait a bit to tell our friends until we felt far enough along. But there you have it... Baby #2 is finally underway! Baby's official estimated due date is January 24th, 2011. A late birthday present for me I suppose you could say! Morghan is VERY excited. She keeps saying she's going to have a brother and a sister but I had to break her heart and let her know there is just one baby not two! lol She is so cute when I talk to her and she tells me she is going to be a BIG sister. She places so much emphasis on the 'big' that capital letters just doesn't get her point across!

Here is the first ultrasound of our newest addition. We won't know the sex for a while yet but Chase is really hoping for a boy this time around. I will be happy no matter what!

So far things with this pregnancy have been more intense than when I had Morghan. They tried to give me medication for the sickness but thus far it has been unsuccessful with this kid. I am glad that Morghan is with my parents though as I can not imagine being this sick and having to take care of her also. I miss her like crazy! With Chase back home for a week its nice to have some company. Hopefully I will be feeling better soon and have a little more energy!

In My Daughter's Eyes

I'm at a low point right now. Lower than I thought I would get to be honest. I knew that I was going to miss my baby girl... I just didn't know it would hurt this much! After the horrid trip back to SC without her (and granted I'm glad she didn't have to make the hellish trip with me) I tried not to think about things too much. But this didn't last long. As I mentioned previously in another entry we had received word of some news and this just is not a time that I need to be alone. I need the support and everything started to come crashing down.

On the way to work today I just started having repetitive thoughts.

I'm lonely.
I miss my husband.
He wasn't supposed to leave until August.
This wasn't the plan.
I hate the Marine Corps.
I miss my baby.
I don't want to be alone.
I need her to hold and cuddle.
I'm lonely.
I'm so lonely it hurts.
This is not a good time for me to be alone.
The dog just isn't enough company.
I'm lonely.

Over and over I said these things. I couldn't even find a positive thought to cheer me up. It was absurd. I was bordering tears by the time I pulled in to work, so I choked down the lump in my throat, took a deep breath and went inside.
Hours later as we were hanging out at a table about to leave the song "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride came on and it was all I could do to hold back tears. My eyes were burning and I could feel the tears sitting there, just waiting to escape and flow freely. They took note and asked me and I said "This song makes me miss my baby." I finally allowed the freedom of a few stray drops as they gave me a quick hug and reassured me everything will be okay, as best they could. Then they decided that were going to do a cocktails night at a coworkers for some girl time.

I am so thankful to have good coworkers/friends that were there for me just as I was about to collapse into an unrecognizable heap of depression. If it weren't for them I would have come home and cried myself into a miserable sleep.

Sorry for the depressing entry, but I needed to write something for me. Something to let it out a bit.

I'm leaving On A Jet Plane...

After the weeks of anticipation it has finally arrived.

Tomorrow we board a plane at 630am and head to Texas where Morghan will stay for the summer. I'm going to miss her like C R A Z Y! Everything is packed and ready to go, and Morghan is excited. She has been asking all week when we will be leaving and finally today I was able to say TOMORROW! lol

We will be busy while I am there, the day I fly in is also a BBQ for my Dad's side of the family. The very next day we are doing a fish fry with my Mom's side of the family. Then Monday I hope to take Morghan to the Houston Children's Museum and Cockrell Butterfly Center. We always go to the Houston Zoo when we are there but I decided to go a little different route this time. She loves learning so the museum seemed appropriate and she absolutely adores butterflies.

I will post pictures when I return, as I will have plenty of time! Though I have asked for extra hours at work to help pass the time :)