48 Hours

I still haven't even had time to process everything I learned within the past 48 hours. Chase is definitely leaving in January. Approx 2 weeks before the baby is due. Going through scenarios of what you will do upon learning of impending deployments is one thing. The reality of putting a plan in to action is surreal. Two days before learning of his January date I had chosen to stay in SC and have the baby should he leave in January. I was prepared for a March deployment, I prayed for one. Suddenly I'm thrown into a new game of' what will I do?' I know what everyone else wants me to do. They act like its so easy. Some think I should stay. Others to go home. But what about me? What do I want?

I don't have a clue.

I'm scared to have this baby without Chase here. I'm scared that I have to adapt to being a parent of 2 all the while being "single". I'm upset that he is going to miss the birth of this baby. I'm angry that the Marine Corps is taking him 2 weeks before the baby is due with no option of extending his departure. I'm angry at the 2 individuals I hold responsible for Chase being on this deployment all because they were lazy and didn't want to get their qualifications. I've even made up my mind that the first time I see them face to face and find out who they are I will not hesitate to introduce them to my fist, no matter the consequences.

I feel like no one cares about what I want. I don't want the stress of packing up and leaving him. Christmas is the last week I can travel, and I refuse to leave Chase here by himself on Christmas. I won't do it, no matter what. We don't have the money to get me to Texas before the baby comes anyways. We are saving everything for when she gets here. I don't want to take any ones help or money. I know and understand the standing offer, but I don't want it. I don't want to have to find out dog a new home. We've had to do that once before and it killed me. Some days I still wish I could find her and get her back. We rescued the dog we have now and I am too attached to him to lose him.

This was my best way to put my feelings into an entry. But the emotions run so much higher than words can express. I became so overwhelmed yesterday that I began having minor contractions and the baby had stopped moving. Luckily everything calmed down and I was able to go home.

I've never felt so torn before. I don't want to upset anyone, but the reality is... someone will be upset in the end. What I want, is the support of my family and friends no matter what decision I end up making.