JUST {{ breathe }}

The clock says 4:50 am. I sit up and glance over to see Grace still asleep. Unsure of why I woke up I lay back down and close my eyes, but not before catching a flash of light.

What that lighting?
Seconds later, the reaffirming clap of thunder rattles through the windows and walls.
{{ my heart begins beating a little faster... "breathe, Amy" }}

I now know why I woke up.
I fumble in the darkness until I find my phone.
-- Wind Advisory
-- Severe Thunderstorm Warning
-- Tornado Watch

Another flash of light creeps through the blinds illuminating the room.
The thunder rumbles outside a little more.
{{ my muscles tense... "just breathe"}}

After reading the weather (70 mph gust, nickel-quarter sized hail, possibility of rapidly producing tornadoes) I wake up Chase and tell him about the weather and he should probably move the car in to the garage. By the time he's back in bed, the lightning and thunder are almost on top of each other and growing louder. Its only a matter of minutes until Morghan wakes up.

I close my eyes as Chase wraps his arm over me just as another round of thunder shakes the whole house.
{{Heart pounding, shallow quick breaths, body rigid... "slow down, deep breaths"}}

Morghan dashes into bed and I am forced to control my anxiety to comfort her.


I didn't always used to be this way. Just 4 years ago, I used to love thunderstorms. I would lay in bed with the blinds open watching the lightning dance around my room, comforted by the thunder. Now, its all I can do to attempt to keep calm.

On August 1, 2007 I moved back to SC awaiting Chase's return from Iraq. My parents had left that morning and I spent the day unpacking and playing with Morghan. That night storms rolled in rather quickly and sirens began to go off. I raced to my paperwork to determine the meanings. Severe Thunderstorm. Great. I turn on the TV to check the weather. Just before the power goes out "Tornado Warning" flashes on to the screen and I panic.

I swoop up Morghan, a blanket and my cell phone and go into the hallway. I'm alone, with a baby in a tornado warning. As I sit there holding Morghan, I'm literally shaking to the bone I'm so terrified. I call my dad who has to calm me down from a restaurant in Tennessee. This is only the first storm of many that will bring me to where I am today.

There were never any bad storms once Chase was home.
They always happened when he was deployed somewhere.
I was always alone with Morghan when bad weather rolled into town.

There have been a few storms that left trees down EVERYWHERE.
Hail storms that leave me rattled.

I thought I was improving until last fall when a bad storm popped up out of no where. It grew extremely dark and within moments rain poured from the sky so heavy it was deafening. Almost immediately the power went out. About 2-3 minutes after the rain started hail began slamming the front door and windows. (FULL PANIC) I'm 7 months pregnant as I fling myself and Morghan in to the bath tub. I'm shaking so bad I can't hardly talk. I manage to dial my mom so she can talk to Morghan and keep her calm. The hail stops after about 4 minutes but the storm continues to rage outside for another 30 minutes.

I wish I could just love storms the way I used to.
Maybe one day, I will.