Stronger

Been dealing with a lot lately. Some things that weigh heavy on my heart. Some big decisions that keep my brain constantly churning. All while maintaining a household has got me feeling like my world is about to come crumbling down.

I've heard this song many times, but recently actually listened to it.
It has helped to fortify the walls around me and reminds me to hang on because even though I thing things are rough, God knows that its what I need.

Stronger by Mandisa

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

JUST {{ breathe }}

The clock says 4:50 am. I sit up and glance over to see Grace still asleep. Unsure of why I woke up I lay back down and close my eyes, but not before catching a flash of light.

What that lighting?
Seconds later, the reaffirming clap of thunder rattles through the windows and walls.
{{ my heart begins beating a little faster... "breathe, Amy" }}

I now know why I woke up.
I fumble in the darkness until I find my phone.
-- Wind Advisory
-- Severe Thunderstorm Warning
-- Tornado Watch

Another flash of light creeps through the blinds illuminating the room.
The thunder rumbles outside a little more.
{{ my muscles tense... "just breathe"}}

After reading the weather (70 mph gust, nickel-quarter sized hail, possibility of rapidly producing tornadoes) I wake up Chase and tell him about the weather and he should probably move the car in to the garage. By the time he's back in bed, the lightning and thunder are almost on top of each other and growing louder. Its only a matter of minutes until Morghan wakes up.

I close my eyes as Chase wraps his arm over me just as another round of thunder shakes the whole house.
{{Heart pounding, shallow quick breaths, body rigid... "slow down, deep breaths"}}

Morghan dashes into bed and I am forced to control my anxiety to comfort her.


I didn't always used to be this way. Just 4 years ago, I used to love thunderstorms. I would lay in bed with the blinds open watching the lightning dance around my room, comforted by the thunder. Now, its all I can do to attempt to keep calm.

On August 1, 2007 I moved back to SC awaiting Chase's return from Iraq. My parents had left that morning and I spent the day unpacking and playing with Morghan. That night storms rolled in rather quickly and sirens began to go off. I raced to my paperwork to determine the meanings. Severe Thunderstorm. Great. I turn on the TV to check the weather. Just before the power goes out "Tornado Warning" flashes on to the screen and I panic.

I swoop up Morghan, a blanket and my cell phone and go into the hallway. I'm alone, with a baby in a tornado warning. As I sit there holding Morghan, I'm literally shaking to the bone I'm so terrified. I call my dad who has to calm me down from a restaurant in Tennessee. This is only the first storm of many that will bring me to where I am today.

There were never any bad storms once Chase was home.
They always happened when he was deployed somewhere.
I was always alone with Morghan when bad weather rolled into town.

There have been a few storms that left trees down EVERYWHERE.
Hail storms that leave me rattled.

I thought I was improving until last fall when a bad storm popped up out of no where. It grew extremely dark and within moments rain poured from the sky so heavy it was deafening. Almost immediately the power went out. About 2-3 minutes after the rain started hail began slamming the front door and windows. (FULL PANIC) I'm 7 months pregnant as I fling myself and Morghan in to the bath tub. I'm shaking so bad I can't hardly talk. I manage to dial my mom so she can talk to Morghan and keep her calm. The hail stops after about 4 minutes but the storm continues to rage outside for another 30 minutes.

I wish I could just love storms the way I used to.
Maybe one day, I will.